Healing the Scars of Shattered Confidence
By
Jim Hammond
The
following story is historical fiction based on some true events.
In the follow-up appointment after plastic surgery Dr. Maxwell Maltz
said to his patient, "Candy, the scars from your surgery have
healed up nicely. Your new
face is beautiful.” The
Doctor’s bright smile showed he was pleased.
The favorite part of his job was giving people new hope when he
gave them new faces. In
fact, Dr. Maltz was documenting the results of many of his cases for a
book he was writing called New Faces--New Futures.
Though Dr. Maltz was world class in his specialized field, giving
people faces to be proud of, he was also learning something unexpected
from his patients. New faces, even beautiful faces, didn't always seem to help
every patient with their confidence.
Though outwardly faces were healed and made to look beautiful,
many of his patients did not fit the premise of his book.
There was a deeper scarring that his skilled hands and scalpel
could do nothing about.
"My face is still ugly, Doctor, its still not right", Candy
replied. "People
say my face is beautiful, but every time I look in the mirror I still
see the same ugly face that I've always struggled with.
After all the money I've spent I'm more disappointed than ever.
I thought this would make me beautiful, and it hasn't."
Dr. Maltz was concerned. It
was obvious that Candy was very upset. He realized here was another one
of those puzzling cases where a new face didn’t achieve a new hope.
Something was scarred inside of Candy deeper than the surface
where Dr. Maltz specialized.
"But Candy, we've corrected every blemish.
You ARE beautiful," said Dr. Maltz.
"Yeah, beautiful to a dog lover maybe." Candy retorted.
"I can hear the crowd now, 'Here she comes Miss America
Kennel Club."
Dr. Maxwell had to chuckle
inwardly. He enjoyed the
humor even if he knew it was a defense mechanism.
He looked at Candy and smiled.
Then Candy embarrassed by her rudeness and also because Dr. Maltz
was looking directly at her, averted her eyes from his.
Candy felt uncomfortable every time people looked directly at her
in any conversation. She
stared at the doctor’s shoes. Then
with a more serious tone she said,
"I'm sorry Doctor. Thank
you for trying to be nice. But
you are just saying that because you did the work."
To Dr. Maltz, Candy didn't sound angry, but dejected.
"Candy, you just told me others have also said you're
beautiful. They see what I
see. They are not telling
you stories just to flatter you and make you feel good." He paused
obviously thinking, then asked. "What
does your husband think about the results of the surgery?"
Dr. Maltz was wondering if her husband had anything to do with
her low self-esteem. In
past discussions with some psychologist friends, he and his friends had
agreed that appearance was not necessarily a major contributor to
self-confidence. One
psychologist told Dr. Maltz over a cup of coffee, “your self
-concept comes from what you believe the most important person in your
life thinks about you.” He
thought about that now. Was
her husband crushing her emotionally?
Not being a psychologist himself, Dr. Maltz wondered how anyone
could wield such power to shape a life.
Candy's life seemed so broken.
Was he verbally abusive? In
the next rapid interchange of dialogue, these thoughts of Doctor's mind
were scattered off as quickly as cock roaches when the light is turned
on.
"My husband’s opinion on this surgery doesn't count,
doctor." She said.
"Oh, why not?" asked the Doctor.
"Well ,because he liked my face before the surgery."
There
goes that premise, the Doctor
thought. "Why, then,
did you have the surgery?” Surprised that his premise was wrong, the Doctor suddenly was
hoping his surprise didn't show on his face or voice. He knew his surprise would be misunderstood.
He certainly didn't want to add to Candy’s misimpression that
people thought she was ugly. As Dr. Maltz probed, he was increasingly
convinced that Candy had the problem, not her husband. Candy
was not ugly before the surgery and certainly not after the surgery. Her
face was sad perhaps, but it was not ugly as she so thought.
"Tell me more about what your husband thinks, Candy.
What did he think about this surgery we did?"
Candy sighed and said, "He said I didn't need any surgery.
He told me last night I always was beautiful even before the
surgery."
So
it wasn't Candy's husband who was causing these inner scars. The
Doctor was thinking, I'd
probably like this husband of yours, but what he said was
simply, "You don't sound like you believe him, Candy."
"Of course I don't believe him.
He is just saying that. He
said he never was concerned about my face.
How can I believe him when he tells me that I'm the most
beautiful woman in the world to him even though I know I’m the ugly
duckling."
"Most women would give their right arm to have a husband tell them
that they are beautiful," said the doctor.
She sighed, "I suppose I should appreciate what he says.
But I just don't believe it.
Last night we ended up in a fight over this."
"You got in a fight because your husband said you were
beautiful?" the doctor sounded incredulous.
"I guess that does sound odd.
Well it usually goes something like this. He says something complimentary like, "Candy, you look
beautiful". Then I
roll my eyes and say something sarcastic like, "Yeah right, my face
looks like what is beautiful to a common housefly maybe."
Then he looks hurt so I say something with a note of seriousness
like, "I'm not beautiful, Charles."
Then he says, "Why don't you think your beautiful,
Candy?" Then I say,
“Because I'm not. Just
look at me, Charles" Then
he says, "I AM looking at you, Candy.
And I am saying what I really think about you.
You are beautiful." I'm
thinking, he can't be serious.
But I say, "You can't think that, Charles, you are
just saying that because you are nice and you are trying to make me feel
better." To which he
says, "No, I'm not, I really mean it." But by this time he's not sounding like he means it anymore.
He sounds stiff and mad. Then
we can't talk very well after that.
I say something like, "Well then Love has made you blind
Charles." I think his
reply under his breath as he left the room was "I'm not the one
whose blind." By then we both felt hurt and angry.
There was a pause of silence in the room as both Candy and the Doctor
were feeling the emotion of her story.
But the Doctor had to agree with her husband, Charles, on the
matter. Dr. Maltz had to
admit to himself though not out loud, he agreed with Charles.
The surgery was unnecessary.
But who was he to interfere with the desires of the patient to
improve their looks. So
what was it then that caused her to reject herself even when her husband
didn’t? What caused her
to be so sensitive and fragile? Dr.
Maltz mind continued to probe.
So, Candy wasn’t a candidate for his book New Faces—New
Futures. But why? Was it
rejection that caused the internal scars of a shattered confidence?
Here was another puzzle, a puzzle named Candy.
Where was the root of Candy’s self-rejection?
Something was still amiss. Why
did she view herself this way? Why
this distorted view of self while living with a husband who sounded so
supportive and complimentary? Something
didn't fit. Dr. Maltz was cautious now.
He became aware that not only did Candy really think she was
ugly. She was convinced
everybody else thought so, including him, even if he was the man
responsible for making her more beautiful.
It dawned on the Doctor just then, it was her self-rejection
which made gratitude impossible. He
realized a thank you would not be coming from Candy.
It wasn’t going to be another text book case of helping another
unopened flower bloom with hope. All
these thoughts rushed through the Doctor's mind.
He decided to take a risk for Candy's sake.
"Candy?" He said.
"Yes, doctor?"
"Candy, I removed those little blemishes as you asked me to.
But you still have some scars that need to be healed.
But they're the kind of scars I cannot do anything about; at
least not as a surgeon. But
perhaps as a friend I might be able to help.
May I suggest to you something?
He couldn't believe he was going to be bold enough to say this
to her. He wasn't sure she would believe him.
"By all means, Dr., I still need help.” She said.
"I suggest you talk to a counselor, or your Pastor or someone that
can help you figure out what caused the scars that still remain inside
of you."
Until that conversation with Dr. Maltz, Candy had always been treating
the symptoms of her problem. She
knew that what the Doctor said was probably true, but she didn't think
it had much bearing on what she was dealing with today.
She always thought she would be fine if she could just forget
those past hurts by fixing things.
She realized she was treating symptoms and not doing anything
about the causes. She began
to look seriously for the root causes.
At first she went to the bookstore self help section.
There were so many books she became discouraged and bought none
of them. Dr. Maltz was the
second medical doctor that had told her she should seek some counseling.
Had Dr. Maltz not been the second one she might still be
considering other superficial solutions.
The first doctor that was that frank with her was her family
doctor. Candy had been
working so hard at everything. One
of the areas she had been working on was what she called that four
letter dirty word--"Diet" with the first three letters
spelling the word "Die."
And "T" stands for "TRIED THAT, DIDN'T WORK". But with her family doctor's help to her surprise it had
worked. It worked until her
doctor betrayed her. At least that was what she thought.
She couldn't believe it the day her family doctor said, "Candy, I'm
afraid you are going too far with your diet."
Then he told her he was concerned about her own misperceptions
about herself. Though at
that time Candy had not been ready to hear it, He too had suggested that
she a counselor. Candy
couldn't believe it. She
thought to herself, though glad she didn't say it out loud, I don't
need that kind of shrink doc, I need another kind of shrink. What do you
know? You are a man; Men have no idea what it is like to be a fat
woman." But now Candy had been thinking. Both doctors were agreeing with her husband.
AND it wasn't just men who were giving her second thoughts about
herself. Her girlfriends
had also expressed some concerns.
Maybe she really should talk to someone about her lack of
confidence, and her depression. Maybe
there were scars that still affected her.
It was a surprise to Candy where she found the most help.
She was trying to find a good counselor and wasn't sure how to go
about it. Being a
Christian, Candy was cautious about who to go see for counseling, so she
decided to ask her Pastor if he had any recommendations for Christian
counselors in the area. She
did so after church when she could find a private moment with him.
Pastor Craddock responded to her inquiry warmly with concern in his
eyes, "What kind of
counseling are you looking for Candy?
Family Counseling? Marriage Counseling?
Crisis counseling? What
is it you are looking for? Again
Candy looked down at her feet avoiding Pastor Craddock’s eyes as he
looked at hers.
"Well, I'm uncomfortable talking about it really, Pastor Craddock.
It isn't a big deal really.
It's just that a doctor suggested I talk to a counselor about my
self esteem.”
"Oh?" Pastor
Craddock gave her time, which invited Candy to go on.
"Yes, my doctor suggested that I have some scars that need healing,
on the inside." She said.
The Pastor responded, "I've known that for a long time about you,
Candy."
"You have?"
"Yes."
"How? I don't get it.
Everybody seems to think they can read me?"
"Well, Candy. Some
things that are easiest to see for others are the hardest to see for the
people involved. Others
have noticed that the scars you have are on the inside, even though you
thought they were on the outside. "
"I
don't think I understand, Pastor Craddock.
How do they know something I didn’t know about myself?"
"Candy.
Have you ever been to the carnival fun house where they have all
the distorted mirrors?"
"You
mean the ones that make you REALLY look fat?
Yeah those are the only mirrors I can actually remember laughing
at my fat reflection."
"Yeah,
those are the ones. For
some reason Candy every mirror you see has become for you one of those
distorted mirrors. Your self-reflection is not a true reflection of who you
really are; and now you aren’t really laughing on the inside because
you think that is what you really look like.
The way you see yourself is different than the way others see
you."
Candy
asked, "Why do you think that I see a distorted image of
myself?"
"Let
me put the answer to you in the form of more questions Candy.
On the Doctor's charts, are you underweight or overweight?”
"Pastor,
I can't believe you asked me that?
You are breaking the rules.
You can't ask a woman about her weight,"
she said with a chuckle.
"I
know men aren't supposed to talk about a woman's weight, but there is a
point here. I want you to
see. So tell me, On the
doctor's chart how is your weight in relationship to your height?"
"Oh,
I am off the charts Pastor”, Candy said sarcastically.
“I’m
serious Candy. I didn’t
ask what you thought, but how you really compare on the real charts
based on your height.”
“Well,
those charts are wrong. They
don’t fit my body type. I
must have light bones. Because
they say I am underweight by 20 pounds and I am not underweight, believe
me. ”
“But
On the chart, Candy, is it not true that you are underweight?”
“What
is this? You are making
this sound like an interrogation. Why
don't you turn on the bright light? And say, Where were you on the night
of the 24th?” Candy
said good humouredly. “Yes,
I admit it. According to the charts I am underweight"
“Is
it not true Candy," now the Pastor was smiling and played up the
interrogation game by standing and pacing when he asked the next
question. They both laughed
at the humor they both saw was being using, "Is it not true that,
on the night of the 24th as you put it, you do not believe
the charts. And that you
think you are still overweight?"
"I
plead guilty. Yes, I still
think I have fat to lose" Said Candy but she was beginning to see
Pastor Craddock's point even before he brought it home.
The
Pastor stopped playing the police interrogator and said incredulously in
his own voice, "Candy, that's not fat, that's skin.
Don't you see Candy, your self viewing lenses have been scarred,
or distorted."
"You
are not the first one to tell me this, Pastor.
So I'm beginning to believe there is something to what you are
saying."
Pastor
Craddock continued, "It's been my experience that these kind of
scars sometimes result from a felt rejection along the way, either from
parents, or peers, or even partners. Can
you remember any comments that made you feel rejected along the way, any
comments that play like a tape recorder in your head?
I want you to try to remember those comments Candy.”
Candy
didn't lift her face to meet the pastor’s eyes in her response. “Yes,
there were comments.” Candy’s
mind began to race. How
could she forget them? They
were indelible. The verbal
comments that played in her mind were painful.
She remembered them. The
jovial cover was now gone as she remembered the intense face on her
angry father. Even now as an adult, years later, the pictures and phrases
were vivid in her mind. He
had an alcohol problem. The
looks and the phrases came tumbling to her mind as she remembered his
words. "What in the world is wrong with you anyway, why can't
you be more like your sister." AND
"You have been nothing but trouble since you were
born." AND "You
make me sick." AND "Can't you do anything right?"
And the one she can't seem to forget, "Is it any wonder why
you don't have any friends?" Then
there was when she was a teenager with acne, “Go do something about
your face! Don’t you wash
it?” Then there was the
time her dad said to her as if he were trying to help her, “You know
you can’t make a peach out of a potato.”
While he may have thought he was helping her. The scars were laid
down, and they were laid down deeply.
She thought of herself as a potato.
It
wasn't just at home. She remembered some phrases from the playground in seventh
grade, this time from a boy. "My
you do have hairy legs for a girl."
Candy suddenly remembered that she did not like wearing short
pants or dresses even though hair had nothing to do with it anymore..
Pastor
Craddock coaxed Candy to speak about these indelible phrases.
Candy was surprised how many she was now remembering.
She was also surprised how emotional she was while speaking them.
Pastor Craddock handed her the box of Kleenex.
"Candy,"
he asked, “Do you remember the jingle we learned as kids, sticks and
stones may break my bones…"
Candy
finished the jingle through her sniffles, "But words will never
hurt me. Yeah, yeah, my
mother used to always say that one to me."
"It's
not true, is it, Candy."
"No,
I guess not" Candy sniffed still trying to wipe her wet eyes with
one Kleenex and blowing her nose with the next."
"I
know it's a lie," said Pastor Craddock.
Let me show you how I know that jingle is a lie.
Look right here in Proverbs 12:18. “Thoughtless words can
wound as deeply as any sword.”
There are a lot of lies we learned while growing up, Candy.
"Candy, you have some hurts inside that God cares about very much
and wants to heal. I was just reading this morning . Here, I have it
underlined. Read that.
Psalms 147:4
Candy,
read it aloud, “God heals the brokenhearted and binds up our
wounds.”
"God
wants to heal those wounds from your past, Candy."
"Oh,
I don't know, pastor Craddock. Do
you think he can? "
"He
can. But it won't be
instant and He won't do it without your cooperation."
“What
do you mean? How will He do
it? And how do I
cooperate?”
“Well,
you have to believe Him,” replied
Pastor Craddock.
“I
do believe him.”
“Do
you really?”
“Yes,
I do, what is this back to the interrogation again.” She laughed.
“Well, if its true that you believe him, I want you to read something
for me." Pastor
Craddock pulled out a card from his desk drawer.
On it were listed some phrases and some verses.
I want you to read this out loud and tell me everything that goes
through your mind as you read it.
Candy
began to read it.
God's
View of Me (In Christ):
1.
I am Acceptable ;
'(God)
has made us accepted in the Beloved.'
Ephesians 1:6 (KJV)
‘
. . . Christ has accepted you.'
Romans 15:7
'Even
if my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.'
Ps. 27:10
Here
Candy's voice broke as new tears welled up again.
“Do
you believe that, Candy?,” the
Pastor said gently.
“I
guess I don’t feel like I am acceptable.
I am always trying so hard to be acceptable.”
“But
what does it say? Read it again.” Said
the pastor.
Candy,
read it again.
I
am Acceptable
;
'(God)
has made us accepted in the Beloved.'
Ephesians 1:6 (KJV)
‘
. . . Christ has accepted you.'
Romans 15:7
'Even
if my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.'
Ps. 27:10
“Now
go on,” coached pastor Craddock.
2.
I am Valuable;
'God
feeds the birds ... and you are far more valuable to Him than any
birds!' Luke 12:24 (LB)
'God
says, 'You are precious to me."
Isaiah 43:4 (GN)
“Do
you believe that, Candy?” he
interrupted again.
“I
guess I still feel like a potato,”
Candy said with the same cover up humor and smile, though with
tears in her eyes.
“Yes,
but God says you’re a peach ,Candy.”
Keep reading
3.
I am Lovable
'The
mountains and hills may crumble, but my love for you will never end; so
says the Lord who loves you.'
Isaiah 54:10 (GN)
'God
loves you, so don't let anything worry you or frighten you.'
Daniel 10:19 (GN)
“Do
you believe it, Candy?” said the pastor, while this time Candy expected the
interruption and the question.
“I’m
getting your point. I guess
I always thought I believed the Bible, but I struggle to really believe
these statements are true about me.”
“Oh, but
this is the truth, Candy, and you’ve been believing some lies. These lies have hung around your neck like curses on your
life.” There was a pause,
then Candy read on.
4.
I am Forgivable
'I
am the God who forgives your sins, and I do this because of who I am. I
will not hold your sins against you.'
Isaiah 43:25 (GN)
...
Through what Christ did for us, He decided to make us holy in his eyes,
without a single fault -- we stand before God covered with his love.'
Ephesians 1:4 (LB)
The
Pastor interrupted again, “Candy, you are going to need to re-pattern
your thinking according to the truth.
You are going to need to see yourself through Jesus colored
glasses instead of those horrid distorted mirror images of yourself that
you’ve been given as lies by the enemy.”
“You
mean my father?”
“No.
Your father was perhaps an instrument, used by the enemy in your
life. But he was not your
enemy. Children are
little tape recorders, but they are not very good interpreters of the
taped messages that they remember.
Even the best of parents’ phrases get misinterpreted.
No, the enemy I’m referring to is the one that keeps whispering
those destructive lies and thoughts to your mind.
You are going to have to fight those thoughts off with the truth.
Keep reading on that card.”
Candy
read on.
5.
I am Capable
"I
have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me -- I am ready for
anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength
into me, that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency!'
Phil. 4:13 (Amp)
'God
will give you beauty for ashes.'
Isaiah 61:3 (LB)
The Pastor stopped her again. "Candy,
your honesty is the first step to healing.
You’ve admitted
that these statements of truth are difficult for you to believe.
That is the first step in the right direction.
You always thought you believed these truths.
But you didn’t really believe them.
Candy, remember I said you would have to cooperate with God if he
is going to heal you? Which of the statements do you have a hard time
believing?
"I guess all of them."
Which ones are the hardest for you to believe?
"I never, never, never seemed to do anything
good enough. I’ve never felt acceptable."
"Candy. Look at those
verses again. Do you have
to earn God's approval?"
"I try."
"Look again, Candy. Do
you have to earn his approval?"
It seemed Candy saw the verse again for the first time.
'(God)
has made us accepted in the Beloved.'
Ephesians 1:6 (KJV)
‘
. . . Christ has accepted you.'
Romans 15:7
'Even
if my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.'
Ps. 27:10
“I guess I already am accepted,” she said.
“That’s right, Candy, your father is gone. And you cannot earn his approval. You will never be able to earn his approval.
You will never measure up to the image your father put in front
of you. But you don't need
to earn his approval. Isn't
it funny. There are 5
billion people on earth and we kill ourselves trying to earn the
approval of one or two that may never give it to us.
"
Candy laughed.
Pastor Craddock continued, "Let me tell you Candy about a man I met
in a restaurant one time. My
wife and I were on vacation in Gatlenburg, Tennessee. And we went into a little restaurant. As we sat down in this little restaurant, an older man came
up to us and said "Hi, folks.
Are you having a good time?
Are you here vacationing?"
And since I didn't really want to be disturbed I said, “Yes
we’re having a good time and we are vacationing.”
The older man said, “Well, what do you do?”
I wanted to throw him off a little so I said, “Well I
specialize in Homiletics” I
was hoping that would end it. But
he knew what homiletics meant. He
said, “Oh you are a preacher. Let
me tell you a preacher story.” I'm
thinking, Oh, great, everybody has a preacher story.
Then the older man tells us his story.
The
man said he had been born just a few miles from that spot, across the
mountain. 'I was born an
illegitimate child', he said. 'I
never knew who my father was, and that was very hard on me.
The boys at school had names they called me and they made fun of
me. When I walked down the
main street of our little town I felt the stares of people and I knew
they were asking the terrible question about me over and over.
They were askin, 'I wonder who is the father of that little boy.
I wonder who his father is.'
I spent a lot of time by myself
and I didn’t have any friends.
Then
he said, 'When I was about 12 a new preacher came to town, and everybody
was talking about how good he was.
I’d never been to church but one Sunday I thought I’d go and
hear him preach. And he was
good. He was so interesting
that I decided to go back and I went time and again. But I always went a little late, and left a little early so
that I wouldn’t have to talk to anybody.'
'One
Sunday, though, I was so caught up in the
service that I forgot to leave.
Before I knew what was happening, he had said the benediction and
church was over. I tried to
get out but the aisles were blocked with people.
Suddenly, I felt a big hand on my shoulder, and as I turned
around I saw the face of the preacher.
The
preacher said, `Who are you, son? Whose
boy are you?” My young
heart sank at the question, and my face must have shown it for the
preacher went on. “Wait a
minute, I know who you are. I
know who your family is. There
is a distinct family resemblance.’ He said.
‘You are a child of God.” Then he added, “Son, that's quite
an inheritance. Go and
claim it.” You know,
mister; Those words changed my life.'
Then the old man having finished his story got up and left."
Pastor
Craddock continued, "Then as the old man left the restaurant the
waitress came and said. Do you know who that man was that you were talking to?
And we didn’t know, so she told us.
That was Ben Hooper, the two-term governor of Tennessee.
Candy
I told you that story because you need to claim your inheritance also.
To do this I suggest you start allowing the scriptures to change
your thinking about yourself.
See that bottom verse on that card?
Candy read it aloud.
‘
. . . Let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of mind!'
Romans 12:2 (GN)
Pastor Craddock continued, “That's how you are going to have to
cooperate. You are going to
have to allow the truth to replace the lies running through your head.
When you show up in church next Sunday, I want you to have gone
over this card so many times that you won't have the tape running
through your head like so many people do. So many people show up all dressed up nice to go to church.
They walk in smiling looking so nice, but inside they’re
saying, "I’m
fat, I'm dumb, I’m ugly, I’m retarded, and I’m always late.”
Candy laughed, “How did you know I thought things like that?"
"You are not alone, Candy. You
are not alone. Why do
you think I have that card in my desk drawer?”
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