Let Christ Rule Your Marriage

Christ Rules! Gospel of Mark Series (Part 21)

A Sermon By Jim Hammond from Mark 10:1-16

OUTLINE

I. Marriage was designed to last a lifetime

A. Why don’t they? (Hard Hearts)

1. Isolated Islands

2. Marriage or Mirage

3. The Stacked Deck

II. The Wrong Question: “What Can I Get Away with?”

A. The Wrong Question: “Is Divorce O.K.?”

1. God only conceded for protective purposes

2. God Hates Divorce (Malachi 2:16) And so do most Divorced People

3. God Does Not Hate the Divorced Person

4. Christ Held up the Ideal Standard AND Ministered to the exception

5. The Bond God Designed and Tied is not to be deliberately untied

III. The Right Question: “What can I do to make it better?”

MANUSCRIPT

I. Marriage was designed to last a lifetime

Don’t you think everybody really believes that marriage was designed to last a lifetime? If you don’t believe that, consider these absurdities: What do you think of a man who says to a woman, “How would you like to be my wife for the next couple of years?” Or would you ever ask the following question to a couple who are planning their wedding, “Are you planning a long marriage?” Comedian Rita Rudner said, “Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” These are funny comments precisely because we all believe marriage is designed to last a lifetime. That’s what everybody wants when they get married. But everyone does not get what they want or believe in do they?

Today, women are fleeing homes with their children to protect their own lives. Many leave with bruises. Some have come to realize there is a drug problem, and the violence is dangerous and unpredictable. Others have discovered their husband is having an affair. Others are trying to hold marriages together the best they know how but one party refuses and leaves and gets involved with someone else and demands a divorce. These are ugly painful situations. Divorce happens. Sin is always at the root of divorce.

Some divorces should have been avoided. Couples learn that marriage is not the fairy tale lived happily ever after like they imagined. Romantic emotion can be carried only so long.

We have escalating divorce statistics in our country today. Even though we believe marriage is designed to last a lifetime, the reality is that people believe once things get tough that marriage is dissoluble at will. Back in 1973 was when the number of marriages that ended in divorce exceeded for the first time the number of marriages that were ended by death of the spouse.[i]

A. Why don’t they? (Hard Hearts v. 5)

1. Isolated Islands

Many factors contribute to the rising tide of divorce. Couples are living more so than ever on islands unto themselves. They are easily overcome by trouble because they don’t live with the support of community, family, and friends.

2. Marriage or Mirage

Picture the movie or novel’s scene of weary travelers on a desert. They are tired, thirsty, and vulnerable. Someone sees water in the distance. They see what they want to see. They wander off course to follow the illusive mirage that recedes before them. They never get to the water they were hoping for and they drop in the desert next to a carcass with the buzzards circling around them, but now it’s too late to go back. Their strength is gone. This is a picture of many people’s pursuit of happiness in marriage today. They pursue the mirage rather than marriage.

People’s expectations about marriage have changed. There is an increased level of expectations for marriage to fulfill personal and emotional needs. In the dryness of some relationships people are pursuing elusive mirages rather than working at their marriages, and staying on course through the desert. The media view of romance presents an illusive “mirage” of fulfilled love and emotional happiness rather than a solid view of a marriage of committed people working through the ups and downs of life. Young people are pursuing the illusive “mirage” as it recedes on the horizon of reality, rather than building a solid marriage out of the harsh realities in which commitment makes a difference. The simple fact is today people expect more from a marriage than they used to. The vow “to have and to hold. . .as long as we both shall live” has been updated to “as long as my spouse meets my needs and I feel fulfilled.”

The Old Fairy Tale Joke

A 60 year-old couple was celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish."

The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90...

Be careful what you wish for. You might get it. That mirage is definitely not what you hoped to find but when you chase it you might get it anyway. You chase another woman, you might get her, and POOF! There goes your reputation. POOF! There goes your relationship with your kids. POOF! There goes your marriage. POOF! There goes your finances. POOF! You end up with a woman you can’t trust and she can’t trust you because you both went out on your spouses.

3. The Stacked Deck

When you have higher expectations and there are greater forces stacked up against marriage today, this is a formula for divorce. Today it is not uncommon to live parallel lives that touch base infrequently and superficially. The dual income family where parents are trying to raise their kids in quality time in their cars while they are traveling with their children to the day care centers live out a life where it is easy to drift apart.

Many wonder if it is even reasonable to expect that an unconditional commitment in this culture is a reasonable expectation. Is unconditional commitment a reasonable expectation in our culture? People are shoved around today by erotic engines of seduction, sexual immorality, and adultery which are at the core of the entire entertainment industry. The entertainment industry teaches us to be satisfied with nothing but the best. Like trading in a used car for a shiny new one, people are attempting to upgrade to new and improved versions for a mate.

Before we grow too discouraged by these pressures and statistics I thought we’d do a little exercise that might encourage you. Will everyone who has been married please stand up. If you have been married for less than five years, please sit down. If you’ve been married for less than 10 years please sit down. If you have been married for less than 25 years please sit down. 30? 40? 50? 60? As you can see we have a room filled with people who can testify that marriage is still designed to last! Would you please give these people a hand. I venture to guess that these people have learned some secrets about marriage. It isn’t just that they were lucky to find the perfect partner. They would be the first to admit, there are no “perfect partners” because there are no “perfect people.” But these who you have seen standing here the longest have learned some things whether they know it or not, from the master who designed marriages that last.

We are about to read a portion of scripture where a question designed to trap Jesus was raised.

Mark 10:2 (NIV) ²Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” Remember these people were not particularly interested on Jesus’ view of scripture so much as they were interested in trapping Jesus. They wanted to hang him on the horns of a dilemma. So they phrase the question just so. Have you ever been snared by a trapping question. It’s like the attorney or journalist asking, “Have you stopped beating your wife?” You better not answer yes or no, or you will be quoted in a way you will not like.

Focus: Jesus confronts those looking for legal loopholes to justify their own hard heartedness as it relates to the question of divorce. Don’t look for what you can get away with, look for what you can do to make your marriage last.

Mark 10:1-16 (NIV) ¹Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them.

²Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”

³“What did Moses command you?” he replied.

⁴They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”

⁵“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. ⁶“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ⁷‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, ⁸and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. ⁹Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

¹⁰When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. ¹¹He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. ¹²And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

¹³People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

II. The Wrong Question: “What Can I Get Away with”

A. The Wrong Question: “Is Divorce O.K.?”

Remember first, this question was asked in order to trap Jesus. If he answers to uphold the marriage the divorcees will be angry at him. If he answers in a way to minister to the broken lives of divorcees, the legalists will condemn him for not upholding the standard.

1. God only conceded for protective purposes

Moses did not encourage divorce; neither did God encourage divorce, instead, he tried to bring some order to it when the spiritual decline of the people made such a concession necessary.

He here shows that the reason why Moses’ law allowed divorce, was such that they ought not to use the permission; it was only for the hardness of their hearts. Divorce is caused by hardness of heart, and it can lead to greater hardness of heart.

God also allows forgiveness. Just because we are allowed forgiveness does not mean we should pursue sin! Let’s talk for a moment about hardness of heart.

Hardness of Heart (v. 5)

“What does the softening of the heart involve? A heart is always soft when it recognizes its inability to handle a situation, and relies upon the wisdom and power of God. This is always what keeps the heart tender, mellow, malleable, reasonable -- a recognition of not having what it takes, a reliance upon the wisdom and love of God, and an obedience to him. This keeps the heart tender and soft.”[ii]

2. God Hates Divorce (Malachi 2:16) And so do most Divorced People

Divorce is like a bomb explosion leaving shrapnel and wounds in everybody even the innocent bystanders around the explosion. This is why people hate divorce. This is also why God hates divorce. It is painful. It leaves people in a kind of a chaos, alienation, and wounded ness, that Jesus wants to heal.

One million new children every year, to quote statistics from the magazine article, get caught up in the divorce of their parents. In 1980 we hit that mark and we have hit it every year since. We are now well over 20 million kids in 20 years who have had their lives devastated by divorce. [iii]

In this very context, Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them." We dare not be the ones who put up hindrances and roadblocks to Jesus. Sometimes divorce creates many hurdles for children to trust Jesus. This is particularly true when Christians divorce. To children it simply looks like Jesus didn’t work! The hard heartedness of the parents deeply affect their children. Some never get over it. No wonder God hates divorce. It leaves so many long lasting messes. It is such a violent thing, to rip apart what God has designed. God designed that two become one. It is a violent think to rip that one and tear it up to make two. People are left in fragments.

People often ask for their situation, “Is Divorce O.K.?” The answer then is no, divorce is not okay. It is sometimes justifiable, more often it is inevitable; but it is most certainly not “okay.” God still hates it even when its all that can be done.

3. God Does Not Hate the Divorced Person

While God does hate divorce, we must never forget that God loves the divorced person. He hates sin, but he loves the sinner. He hates the pain and the wounds but he loves you and wants you to come to wholeness.

Simply telling someone not to divorce does not fix a failed marriage. Some failed marriages aren’t officially divorced. By that I mean, they are in a marriage still but not really married. Or put another way, they might say “I am not married, just undivorced.” There are partners who are married but live in alienation and pain. Divorce papers are usually like death certificates certifying that indeed the death has occurred, the papers themselves are not the death they certify. The legal divorce is like an accident report written long after the events that left casualties.

4. Christ Held up the Ideal Standard AND Ministered to the exception

Here he upholds the ideal. But I wonder what he would say if a divorcee rather than hostile enemies trying to trap him were to ask him a question about remarriage? He often ministered to the exception while upholding the standard. Think of the time he ministered to the woman who was living with a man, and had been married and divorced 5 times (John 4, the Samaritan woman). Or think of Jesus’ sensitivity toward the woman caught in adultery (John 8). By the fact that he did not condemn them, he gave them redemptive lift. He helped them change by grace.

We know that Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 allowed for divorce in a situation where an unbelieving spouse refused to continue in the marriage with the Christian. How could he not allow for this divorce, there was nothing the divorcee could do to keep it together. The ideal was already violated. You can’t keep a marriage going when the partner refuses to keep it going. In fact, in that passage Paul allowed for remarriage.

1 Corinthians 7:27-28 (NASB) ²⁷Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. ²⁸But if you marry, you have not sinned . . .

Jesus point in Mark’s passage that we study this morning were not words designed to minister to divorced persons, but a response designed to answer hostile questioners when they ask a question to entrap Jesus. Jesus is not addressing those contemplating divorce and seeking advice here. He is addressing those he has already accused of mishandling scriptures. He is upholding God’s standard for marriage to those who want to tear it down. The issue of the legitimate grounds for divorce does not surface in this passage at all because of the context. Jesus does speak of the exceptions in other places, in other contexts but not here.

Jesus simply states God’s ideal which is not up for debate. This statement taken out of this context and applied in the wrong contexts can cause a lot of grief and soul searching for those who have divorced and remarried. They ask, “Am I living in adultery?”, or sometimes preachers use this passage to wrongfully accuse remarried divorcees of living in adultery. The people hearing Jesus were as startled as some of you are. In their culture, it was as if Jesus said, “If anyone sells his car and buys a new car, he is guilty of theft.” The divorce certificates they were using, stated, “Behold, you are permitted to any man” given as a document to avoid the possible charge of adultery. Here Jesus is making his statement to uphold the permanence of marriage. He is upholding the standard that was being violated by man’s redefinitions and loopholes. Jesus hated the use of paper trails to legitimize and cover up sin as if it was with God’s blessing. Watch out for hard heartedness.

5. The Bond God Designed and Tied is not to be deliberately untied

Mathew Henry in his commentary put it this way: “God himself joined man and wife together; he has fitted them to be comforts and helps for each other. The bond which God has tied, is not to be lightly untied. Let those who are for putting away their wives consider what would become of themselves, if God should deal with them in like manner.”

Don’t be searching for an upgraded, new and improved model. Work on the marriage you are in. Even if you are able to dissolve a marriage in the courts it is not so easy to dissolve it in real life. The intimacy of that marriage relationship trails you with all the broken pieces. Once you have been married it is impossible to back up and be single as if you have never been married. Marriage and divorce simply leaves pieces of you behind, and you take pieces of someone with you. It’s like the glued pieces of construction paper ripped apart. There are shreds of the other color left stuck on. It’s like a two plants in a pot together with roots intertwined. When you try to rip one plant out of that pot, you have a mess, and both plants are damaged. The divorced person has photo albums (sometimes 20 years of pictures), memories, a past life. Divorce does not erase any of that. Spouses may not be spouses anymore but they are still related. They are related through their children.

Usually when divorce happens, people are concerned about what will happen with to the children. These are legitimate questions. Isn’t it interesting that in this context, Jesus immediately speaks about children after speaking about divorce. Children often hurt the most. While children are incredibly resilient they are nevertheless affected by the divorce in often devastating ways.

Where there is any possibility of reconciliation and restoration, we must ask ourselves the right question. When we do not, our hard hearts only become harder.

III. The Right Question: “What can I do to make it better?”

1. Ask God to soften your heart so that you can approach matters as God leads. Pray, not my will, but your will be done.

2. Ask, What can I do to change?

3. Ask (the Christian Tennis Question) how can I improve my serve?

4. Ask, What can I do to be the best spouse, or parent I can be?

5. The bottom line, as long as you are married, Let Christ Rule Your Marriage just as you Let Christ Rule Your Life. Healthy marriages come from healthy lives that are whole before God and are able to love out of the overflow of love that comes from God in Christ. Be whole, choose Christ.

[i] Constance R. Ahrons, “21^st-Century Families: Meeting the Challenges of Change,” Family therapy News 3 (October, 1992): 16.

[ii] http://pbc.org/dp/stedman/mark/3318.html

[iii] Brett Blair, SermonIllustrations.com, October 2000.